I've been so up and down today. I'll think of one thing and I'm happy & excited and 5 minutes later I'll think of something else and I'm sad and depressed. God what is wrong with me? Does everyone go through these emotional roller coasters or do I need help? Part of my depression came from a t.v. show I watched this afternoon. It was about this girl giving up her baby for adoption. I then started thinking about wanting to be pregnant and having my own baby. I've tried to put all the baby thoughts in the back of my mind for now. They just keep creeping up on me. I don't want to get obsessed with the whole thing again. E & I agreed I wouldn't go back to the doctor until after we get moved and sell our house. I think that will be best because that's enough to worry over. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a new and different day.

On a happier note, we went by the new house Sunday and it looks great. We were able to go inside and it's almost done. They have to paint,lay the carpet and some other minor things. The outside is finished except the drive and the walkway. The last thing will be laying the sod in the front yard. We're just two months away from our closing date. :) I can't wait to be out of this neighborhood! Well I need to cut this off now, I'll be back tomorrow.

I also finished making E's Valentines present. I decided to make him something because I'm running out of things to buy him. I typed the words to one of my favorite songs that has a lot of meaning for me. I found a great font on the net and printed it on red paper. I cut the paper to fit a frame I bought that E will love. It really looks great and I think he's going to like it a lot.

The song I picked is Lovesong by The Cure. When E and I started dating we kept it casual for about six months. He took me to a concert one night (The Cure). I still remember us standing there singing and dancing. We were having a crazy time. Toward the end of the show I looked up at him and he was all smiles and singing his heart out, I knew then I wanted our relationship to be more than casual. Actually by the time the concert was over I really wanted to spend the night with him and have sex for the first time, but it didn't happen. I didn't fall in love with E that night, but that was the first time it hit me this guy is wonderful and I want to be closer to him. I still can't get enough!

So anyway the present is done. I'm now in the process of decorating some tissue paper with red hearts and happy valentines day. The next thing is making reservations at a new Italian restuarant. Every year E and I have been together we go to a different Italian resuarant. It's a tradition we both love.

The funniest thing just happened. I'm sitting here typing this and I hear a noise. It's a low grumbling noise and it sounded like it was coming from the closet next to me. I looked inside and I didn't see anything. I waited and didn't hear the noise anymore. So I started typing and heard the noise again. Now I'm like o.k. do I have a ghost in here or what. About that time my dog, Obie, jumps out of the closet and scares the crap out of me. :0 hehehehe

I'm going to post the song I used for E's present below, I'm sure lots of you have heard it before. Well I need to run.

Peace, love & fairy dust!

Lovesong

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like i am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel Like I am young again

Whenever I'm alone with You

You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you

However Long I stay I will always love you

Whatever Words I say I will always love you

I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel Like I am free again

Whenever I'm alone with You

You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you

However Long I stay I will always love you

Whatever Words I say I will always love you

Well I guess I'm doing somewhat better today. I've tried putting my father out of my mind for awhile; I just don't want to deal with it right now. Now I'm worried about my Mom, her Dr. thinks she may have skin cancer on her face, but wants to get a 2nd opinion. I'm putting that out of my head until I really have to worry.

My uncle got remarried new year's eve and kept it a big secret. My aunt passed away in a car accident less than a year ago and now he's married again. My uncle received quite a bit of money from the insurance policies. He's bought himself and this new wife a new home and both of them new cars. It really bothers me him and this woman are really enjoying themselves with money that came from my aunt's death. Then again I'm sure my uncle misses my aunt and maybe he's lonely and just needs someone. My whole family is really bothered by the situation, but what can you do? I guess nothing, but it hurts just the same.

I was planning on writing about my uncle getting remarried tonight, but I think I'll save it for later because I have something else on my mind.

Wow it's been almost a month since I last wrote anything here. What can I say I just haven't been in the mood to write. Anyway it looks like we'll be able to put our house on the market for sale soon. Hopefully by the end of March we'll be in our new house. The biggest news I have is I got a new job! :) YEAH! I start next Monday and I'm very excited. It's with a pet sitting company and I'll pretty much be running the office for the owner. Not to mention I have great hours and the dress code is there is no dress code. Now I don't have to worry about wearing business suits and all that garb.

I know I'm waiting to long between entries, but sometimes it's just hard to get motivated. I also hate it when I really don't have anything important to say. I guess that shouldn't matter.

There's nothing new really. My husband is on my case to find another job. I guess he's sick of me being at home. I'm still looking and hopefully something good will pop up soon. He wants me to contact a temp agency, but I really hate those things. They always stick you with these jobs they know you don't want, they just want a warm body to fill the position. So cross your fingers something comes along soon.

I heard from an old friend today that I met on the net several years ago. We haven't talked in a couple of months and he sent me an email asking how my holiday was. I immediately sent an email back trying to catch him up on everything; needless to say it was quite long. Hopefully I'll hear what's been going on in his world soon.

Last night my husband and I attended the church my mom goes to. One of my best friends and her husband were being baptized. My mother was raised in a pentalcastal (spelling?) church and is now a Baptist. Most of my family on my father's side is Baptist. The thing is my parents never took me to church. I started going on my own when I was 13 and pretty much quit when I was 17. My mom has just recently started going to church the last couple of years and she's driving me crazy. I guess I'm angry with her for all those years I went and she never came with me. When I was baptized none of my family even came. My husband's family is Lutheran and my husband hasn't really picked a religion, but knows a great deal about each one. So today my mom calls and she's going on about how my husband didn't seem to enjoy himself last night. I've told her over and over he doesn't like Baptist churches. Plus it didn't help that the minister that preached last night was a prejudice backward hillbilly. So anyway my mom starts going on and on about you have to be saved to get into heaven and does my husband know that. I told her he knows that's what you believe. Even though I went to a Baptist church for quite awhile, I don't think everything they teach is correct. Tell me why does every type religion and denomination think their way is the right way? I'm just sick of all this. My mom is driving me nuts. If God gave us a brain, he wants us to use it and question everything and think for ourselves. I don't think he wants us to be robots and automatically do and believe everything we're told. I do believe in God, especially because my grandmother was a faith healer. God gave her special powers to help people. She even healed me when I was young and had 2nd degree burns on my hands. I know there is a God, but who is to say what the right way is to worship him. I know this is an impossible topic, but I just wish my mom would let up. I need to end this subject now.

Today has been a lot of soul searching and pondering. My best friend is married to my ex-husband's brother. That's not a problem and I've remained friends with my best friend and my ex-brother-in-law through the whole sorted mess. The problem is with my ex-husband's new wife. She treats my friend like crap and I've always suspected it's because we've remained friends. My best friend has a horrible time being around them because there's so much tension and she's also worried about her husband and my ex-husbands relationship. They don't have any other brothers or sisters and she can see them growing apart. I now feel partially responsible for the whole mess. So the debate I keep having with myself is should I send an email to my ex-husband expressing my concern. We talk periodically through email about what's going on in our new worlds, but we never get into anything heavy. So I thought about this all day and finally decided to send an email. I worded it as carefully as possible and mentioned several times I knew it was none of my business, but was concerned. Now I'm regretting it and hoping it doesn't cause a stink. Well I can't get it back so all I can do is wait.

My creative muse has been on vacation since Christmas. I guess it decided it didn't want to get the flu too. I can't believe how long it's taking me to get over this. It seems like when I have a really good day I have a set back the next. So anyway I've been listening to Tori Amos a lot because she inspires me so. It just doesn't seem to be working yet. I've heard interviews with her where she says when her muse visits her she drops everything and begins working because she's afraid she won't be back again. I think a lot of people feel that way, but unfortunately a lot of us can't just drop everything. I've tried writing down snippets so I don't forget when those moments happen, but it's just not the same.

Well I thought I would keep up with this a little better. I do have a good excuse though. With the holidays and coming down with the flu the day after Christmas I've pretty much been knocked out. My New Years Eve plans did change. We ended up spending it at my sister's house with her family and had a good time. It was fun and quiet and I loved watching the kids react to the fireworks. Of course I ended up getting sick again and back in the bed I went. I feel much better today and hopefully the flu has left my house.

During the holidays we began proceedings to purchase our new house. I'm very excited about it! The house should be done in March and we'll be moving in the end of March. It almost doesn't seem real right now, but I'm sure the progress I see the more it will become real.

Today has been so unproductive! I started the morning out with a job interview. It lasted all of ten minutes, but I had a feeling the two girls I met with had never done an interview before. The job description I was given took up two sentences at the most. I'm really over qualified for the job, but it will be easy and the location will be great once we move.

I've spent the rest of the day laying around the house and napping. I'm so bad! I'm relaxing with Tori Amos right now and she always lifts my spirits. I wish I could spend ten minutes speaking to her about life, I love her take on this world and its ants.

I'm so over Christmas already! It doesn't even seem like Christmas. I didn't decorate this year, I haven't bought a Christmas tree and that's just fine with me. I'm just not in the mood to celebrate Christmas or New Years. Can you believe the biggest New Year in my life time and at this point I just want to sit home drink a couple of bottles of wine with E and have incredible sex. Then again, that might be the best way to celebrate. :)

I've become so anti-social lately. People just really piss me off. I'm tired of listening to people go on and on about their rat in the maze lives.

I just can't stand to be around materialistic people. After typing that sentence I realize I have really changed in the past few years. I know now it's not about the car you drive, where you live, the things you have to decorate your home. None of that crap matters! What do you have in your heart? Are you rich there? Are you happy with the way you treat others and others respond to you? I can honestly say at this point of my life I am happy. I really like who I am and really love the one I'm with. E is a bright shooting star and I'm the lucky one who is showered with his stardust. I've also discovered my true friends. It's the most wonderful thing knowing you have these people in your life that truly care for you and respect you. I'm ever changing and these few special people in my life always except my changes and encourage me to keep changing. I'm blessed to have encountered these spirits and I'm forever thankful to have them near me. O.K. enough mush.